Self care is an act of courage
I spent November 9th, 2016, the day after the U.S. presidential election, hugging Tete– my son’s teddy bear– while watching the news. All I remember is feeling profound sadness and emptiness. I was experiencing the metaphorical punch in the gut. You know? That feeling that leaves you speechless, motionless, and numb.
For some, high expectations, hopes, and dreams were shattered that day and replaced with a new, unfathomable reality. For others, feelings of victory, vindication, and validation surrounded them. The display and exchange of extreme emotions has created a wide gap among family and friends, coworkers, and the community at large that has become part of how we engage with each other.
All I could do that day was watch CNN while lying on the couch with Tete. When I needed a bio-break, I went. When I felt thirsty, I drank some water. When I felt tired, I rested. All I could do is take care of my immediate needs. That was it. Any attempts to think about future activities (i.e. making dinner, updating the weekly schedule) produced uncontrollable tears and an immense feeling of despair.
So, during those hours when my son was at school and my husband at work, I surrendered to living moment by moment. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The rest of the day—and week—I focused on basic tasks. If it felt too overwhelming, I didn’t do it. As days went by, I was able to expand my focus and to notice how I felt and what was working. Two words: Self care.
Why is self care an act of courage?
It takes courage to defy societal norms that glorify endurance and busyness as status and achievement symbols. There is nothing wrong with having a fully scheduled life. We fall into a blind spot when we consistently put others first without any regard for our own well being. We are conditioned to plow through no matter what. In that context, self care feels like a selfish act.
My type A, caregiver personality has always thought that self-care is sooo overrated. Right? Who needs to rest, eat, or pay attention to my feelings when there is so much to do? Some of the most common explanations I have heard–and said to myself: People need me. I want to be of service. There is no time to rest when X, Y, and Z are happening.
It has taken me decades to understand and to apply (yes, coaches are human, too) what I have heard many times during a flight taking off: you must put on the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on those traveling with you. Intellectually I get it. Emotionally not so much.
And there is the paradox: Self-care is not a selfish act. What is selfish is not to care for yourself. If you don’t care for yourself, you will not be in the most optimal position to engage with others effectively.
Some of you may be saying: I can always take care of myself after I am done with a, b, or c. You are right. You can. Yet…
If your goal is to be of service to the best of your abilities, how does being tired or cranky help you share the best of yourself with your loved ones and clients?
Questions to ponder:
- When I think of Self Care, what comes to mind?
- How might I be unwillingly reinforcing society’s pressure to favor invincibility, perfection, and busyness?
- What gets in the way of showing up as my best self to my family and friends, colleagues, and other in my community?
